One of the subjects covered in the Alpha Premarital Course is conflict. It may not sound like the most romantic topic for an engaged or newly married couple, but it is one of the most important.
Why? Because every couple will experience conflict.
Two people can love each other deeply and still disagree about money, communication, family, work, sex, parenting, schedules, expectations, or how the dishwasher should be loaded! Conflict is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with a relationship. In fact, how we handle conflict can determine the strength and health of our marriage.
Conflict Is Inevitable
When two people come together in marriage, they bring two different backgrounds, personalities, experiences, expectations, and ways of doing things.
You may have grown up in a family where everyone talked openly about problems. Your future spouse may have grown up in a family where problems were avoided.
You may want to resolve an issue immediately. Your spouse may need time to think.
You may be very organized. Your spouse may be more spontaneous.
Differences are not necessarily problems. But if we don’t learn how to navigate those differences, they can become sources of conflict.
The goal of marriage isn’t to eliminate every disagreement. The goal is to learn how to disagree in a healthy and loving way.
The Real Enemy Isn’t Your Spouse
One of the most important things a couple can learn is that your spouse is not the enemy.
When conflict becomes intense, it can be easy to start thinking, “I have to win this argument.”
But marriage isn’t supposed to be a competition where one person wins and the other loses.
When you attack your spouse, you are actually attacking the person you promised to love.
Instead of asking, “How can I win this argument?” ask:
“How can we solve this problem together?”
That simple change in perspective can completely transform the way a couple handles conflict.
Listen Before You Defend Yourself
One of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse is the willingness to listen.
Often, when someone is speaking to us during an argument, we’re not really listening. We’re preparing our response. We’re thinking about what they’re wrong about and how we’re going to defend ourselves.
But listening means trying to understand what the other person is actually saying.
James gives us some excellent advice:
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
— James 1:19
Imagine how many arguments could be prevented if couples practiced those three things:
Be quick to listen.
Be slow to speak.
Be slow to become angry.
Sometimes your spouse doesn’t need an immediate solution. They simply need to know that you understand how they feel.
Choose Your Words Carefully
Words have tremendous power in a marriage.
A harsh word can remain in someone’s heart long after the argument is over. A careless comment can damage trust. Saying “You always…” or “You never…” can turn a discussion into an attack.
Instead of attacking your spouse’s character, talk about the specific issue.
Instead of saying:
“You never listen to me!”
Try:
“I felt like you weren’t listening when I was talking about this.”
There is a big difference.
One attacks the person. The other communicates a feeling and opens the door for conversation.
Don’t Keep Score
Healthy marriages don’t keep a record book of past failures.
When an issue has been resolved, resist the temptation to bring it up again the next time you have an argument.
Paul writes:
“Love keeps no record of being wronged.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:5
Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending that something never happened. It means choosing not to continually use the past as a weapon against the person you love.
Every marriage needs the freedom to say:
“We dealt with that. We learned from it. Let’s move forward.”
Know When to Take a Break
Sometimes the best thing a couple can do during a heated disagreement is pause.
There is nothing wrong with saying:
“I’m getting too angry to have a productive conversation. Can we take some time and talk about this later?”
The important thing is that taking a break doesn’t become avoiding the issue.
Don’t simply walk away and refuse to talk about it. Instead, agree to come back to the conversation when both of you are calmer.
A pause can prevent words from being spoken that you will later regret.
Learn to Say, “I’m Sorry”
Two of the most powerful words in marriage are:
“I’m sorry.”
But a genuine apology isn’t:
“I’m sorry you felt that way.”
That’s not really taking responsibility.
A sincere apology sounds more like:
“I’m sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way. Will you forgive me?”
Humility can change the atmosphere of a marriage.
And remember: saying you’re sorry isn’t losing. Sometimes humility is the greatest victory a marriage can have.
Fight for Your Marriage
Conflict doesn’t have to destroy a relationship.
Handled properly, conflict can actually help a couple understand each other better. It can reveal areas where we need to grow, communicate, forgive, and become more Christlike.
The question isn’t whether you will have conflict.
The question is:
What will you do when conflict comes?
Will you withdraw?
Will you attack?
Will you try to win?
Or will you choose to listen, communicate, forgive, pray, and work together toward a solution?
Marriage is not about finding someone with whom you will never disagree.
It’s about finding someone with whom you are willing to walk through the disagreements, difficulties, joys, disappointments, and adventures of life—together.
Let Love Lead
Perhaps the most important principle is this:
Love should be greater than the conflict.
When you remember that your spouse is someone God has given you to love, honor, serve, and cherish, winning an argument becomes much less important.
Before you speak, ask yourself:
“Will these words build our marriage or damage it?”
Before you react, ask:
“Am I trying to understand my spouse, or am I simply trying to prove that I’m right?”
And when conflict comes, remember that you are not two enemies trying to defeat each other.
You are two people who love each other, standing on the same team, trying to solve a problem together.
That is the heart of healthy conflict—and it is one of the most important lessons a couple can learn before saying, “I do.”
